nothing new

I am not really sure what to say. We are moving along. Kinda numb just one step at a time kinda thing. Its been over two weeks since Laura died. I am not sure if I should say Laura died or passed or passed away. To me it is easier to day died since it seems more real and permanent, but that has taken people aback so I have said passed away more this week while thinking died in my head. Semantics were always important to her.

I really resisted putting her obituary in our local paper. (more local politics about the local paper than anything) But in the end, she was a public figure: store owner and on the Astoria School Board, so Cathy, Ani and I wrote one.  Ani and I fought over it as we were at each-others throats the week after she died. In the end, the obit reached people I wanted to know and it was the right thing to do.

Ani and I are doing well as far as our relationship is concerned.  We are both stumbling along numb.  Tim too finds it hard and the dogs are a mess.  The dogs are driving whoever is home crazy with their needyness.

Ani is keeping her room in Portland until Oct. 15 and then moving back home full time. She is finishing her PSU Geology degree with an online geology class from the University of Oregon.  I started back at work full time last Monday and am currently doing a SAT Test Prep workshop for high school students.  The students are taking practice tests while I type this...  Tim is still painting houses but plans on stopping soon.

Ani, Tim and I celebrated our 25th wedding anniversary at Buoy Beer with burgers and fries. We toasted Laura and her tenacity to put up with me for so long...

I am borrowing a cider press from a friend late today and will press apples and pears tomorrow for my 2019 hard cider vintage.  It will be a fun and yellow jacket filled affair I am sure.

One step in front of the other and see where it leads us.

 I plan on having Thanksgiving at our house cause its one of my favorite holidays and then do Christmas/Hanukkah somewhere else.  Maybe on a beach but we have not gotten that far.  At least I can plan to tomorrow now and not just dinner tonight.

Celebration of Life Video

https://www.dropbox.com/s/7qfdpaqo87577xi/Laura%20Snyder%20Memorial%20Service.mov?dl=0

The above is a video of the ceremony of Laura's celebration of life.  Richard is also going to put it on you tube. I did not have any issues watching this but some people get some buffering issues...

I will write more soon.

we are ok ish.

celebration

The Celebration of Life for Laura was beautiful.  Here is what I said:

Thank you for being here. I will talk about my strong smart wife. I really met Laura through mutual friends Lars and Arria. While Lars was fishing, Arria invited Laura and I to a Sweet Honey in the Rock Concert in Bellingham Washington. I drove up to Lummi Island from Astoria and Laura drove up from Seattle. The concert was fun but what I remember was the sleeping situation. Laura got the pull out couch and I got the floor with a visiting pug. I tried to talk my way up onto the couch bed repeatedly, and Laura kept saying stay on the floor with the snoring pug!

That weekend I asked Arria if Laura was single and she laughed. Ya, Laura is single and NOT your type. I still managed to get Laura’s address and spent the next two or three months writing letters. Somehow, through my dyslexic handwriting and spelling, I started to win her over. I had a training in Olympia and Laura agreed to have me come to her little home in Seattle for the weekend after the training. It was a fun weekend doing Seattle tourist stuff. We bought golden trout at Pikes Place Market and I showed her how to lift one fillet off the bones and then pull the head and backbones out of the lower fillet. In retrospect, that was the first time I prepared her seafood. Our only prenuptial was that whenever we eat seafood, I shell, crack, debone it on my plate and give her food that is fork ready on her plate.

On Sunday morning of that first weekend when Laura was puttering in the kitchen or showering, I was in her bedroom going through things. I am not proud, just curious. I found a box of old single earrings in one drawer and was shocked to see a silver and abalone earing that I recognized. I brought it out to Laura and she said what were you doing to find that? I just looked cute and said lets talk about that in a minute, when and where did you get this earing? She said she got it at the end of high school but I don’t wear it anymore since I lost the other one where I was at Bowdoin. I smiled and said that I was cleaning up after a Thursday Night Party at Bowdoin and found that earing 9 years ago and if you come down to Astoria next weekend, you can have your earring back.  I totally got a free pass on rifling through her stuff with that bit of coincidence and magic. I have the earrings here if you want to see them.

We spent 6-8 months having a city house and country house till she moved to Astoria in March of 1993. It was quite a culture shock for Laura. During that time, I got my first raise and bought a hot tub. It was in that hot tub that Laura said I want a baby. I told her that I always envisioned myself as a father and wanted a baby too. She said great. Lets start this baby making business but I said we can’t. She just looked at me and said I think we can, Jon. We can’t have children until we are married I replied. Again, she said she begged to differ and it was very possible to have a kid without being married. That started a long discussion on the patriarchal oppression of marriage and how she thinks its an out dated tradition and on and on.

Then when it was clear to Laura that I was not convinced that we could indeed have a baby without being married she said, lets look at this in a different way. I want a baby and more specifically your baby. You want to have a baby with me right? I said yes. OK, said Laura we are now engaged and lets get Married as soon as possible so I can have a baby.  The next day, my mom express mailed the engagement ring she had from my father. And we were married on a beach in Maine on September 17, 1994.

We are the epitome of opposites attract. Laura is brilliant, sarcastic, introspective, and an introvert - I am not. This dichotomy always kept us on our toes. After Tim was born, I started working half time so we could share the child raising. I worked Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday and Laura went to Lucy’s Books Thursday Friday and Saturday with a family day on Sundays. Somehow, the kids survived the wildly different yet loving approach to child rearing. She sang songs to the kids every night as they were going to bed. On the nights she was out, I got in trouble with Ani for changing the words of the songs to fit my mood.

Laura battled cancer for seven long years. She rarely complained. As her dementia ate away at her brain all her sarcasm melted away and from May on she was so stinking sweet- not that she wasn’t sweet before, but it was more of a biting sweetness. Next Tuesday is our 25^th wedding anniversary. It is really something for Laura to have been married to me for that long. I am a handful and she tried her hardest to keep me in line. I guess that now falls on Ani, Tim and the posse of girlfrineds…  Good luck.

The day before she died was the last time she was fully conscious and could both talk and understand what we were saying.  It was 530 in the morning. I asked if she was warm enough, Laura said yes; I asked are you in pain, Laura said I don’t know; I said, its ok to let go and slip onto the next adventure and Laura said I can’t; I said I love you and she turned her head and looked at me with far away eyes and said I know. That’s the last actual words I heard her say.

Laura will always be with all of us. This yawning hole of grief will pass in time as it does and Laura will still be within each of us.

Thank you.

sorry no Streaming

Hi- Laura's Celebration of Life will not be live streamed. Sorry. There is no wifi at the location and the Cell signal is not great so live streaming is not possible.  We do have a videographer who will create a video of the event and then post it on line. I expect the service will be on line sometime Sunday or Monday. I will post a link on this blog when there is a video of the service available.

Below is an excerpt from one of Laura's Lucy's Books Newsletters back in 2003. Ani was putting all of the Lucy's Books Newsletters in a binder for the service tomorrow and found this little gem of a paragraph that really sums who Laura is:

contributions

I feel kinda silly posting this but people have asked if there is anywhere Laura would like donations to go to and below are the two we choose. There are some amazing national and international organizations that Laura gave money, time and brain power to, but we decided to stay local. Supporting Clatsop County and being local is very important to us. Laura was passionate about shopping locally.  Please know that in no way is anyone obligated to give money or anything. Your out pouring of love and kindness into the ether has been felt.  Thank you.

We have decided on two organizations:

North Coast Land Conservancy

2609 N. Roosevelt Drive

Seaside, OR 97138 

and 

The Harbor

801 Commercial Street

Astoria OR 97103

Obituary and continue to post

Here is Laura's obituary:
https://www.dailyastorian.com/obituaries/obituary-laura-snyder/article_392549e4-d31e-11e9-ae38-df74782c8055.html

I plan to continue to post occasionally. I feel unmourned and moving at half speed. I am not really sleeping. I assumed that once Laura passed and I was not lying in bed listening to her breathing, wheezing, gasping and long pauses between breathing. but now that the bed is crazy big all of a sudden, I can't sleep.

We are not sure if streaming the Celebration of Life will actually work, but we are filming it and will put up a link of the service here and on you tube whether we stream it or not.  I will update this blog about that part.

Laura sings more songs mp3 files

The above is 35 minutes of Laura singing songs important to her and Hurricane Island Outward Bound. She made this in 1994 and it was sold as a fund raiser for Hurricane Outward Bound for a while.

Laura sings Boy George

Turn the world around (Come from the Mountain)

Part of Buckets of Rain

more of Buckets of Rain

Thunder road

Ripple with onions cooking in the background...

celebration of life

We will have a celebration of life at the Masonic Temple in Astoria on Saturday Sept. 14 at 2 PM. If we can, we may live stream it on facebook and will let you all know.

She's passed

Laura passed away early in the morning today. Ani and I slept on either side of her with the doggies on each side too. She made a little noise at 526 am and stopped breathing.

This morning about an hour after Laura past away.

she's so tough and strong

This afternoon, Laura coughed 4 or so times. She hasn't coughed at all up till then. She really started gasping and having very labored breaths but after 30-40 minutes she evened out. We have her on her side. She is breathing shallowly yet regularly.

Sitting in this bedroom day in and day out just feel surreal and normal at the same time. Ani and I have spent so much time together. The hot sun and breeze feels so good blowing and glowing through the room, but they are foreign when I step outside. The world just keeps spinning.  And bills just keep coming. I paid bills in bed for the first time...

just resting

Last night Laura's breathing and apnea really changed. Around midnight to 130 am she would pause 30-40 seconds between breaths. She was still and not moving and then take a big breath after what seemed like forever in the darkness of night. Then a bit past 130 she made a huge grown and started to twitch and shake (which is pretty normal for her now) and started breathing shallowly but regularly. 

Then at about 5:30 am she was as awake and aware as she has been in a while. Her eyes were open and I asked if she was warm enough (she just had a flannel sheet on) and she said yes. I asked her if she was in pain and she said I don't know. Then I told her it was ok to let go and move on to the next adventure and she said I can't. She is so fierce and strong. Oh my.  I also said I love you and she said I know.

spotify play list

Morning. Laura had a pretty restful night. Her breathing is much more relaxed and calmer than it has been so I was actually able to sleep last night too which feels really good.

Below is a link to a Spotify Playlist that Ani has put together. It is Mom's favorite songs and we have been playing it a lot. She occasionally smiles with a song or even hums along or tries to sing a little. I thought that those of you with a spotify account might want to listen to what Laura is listening to.  Its the basic classic rock mix with Laura's own stamp of approval on it.

If you don't have spotify, you can sign up for free, but thats up to you...

https://open.spotify.com/user/anigraves/playlist/6ZFtf0hUyei0faJbfm0b3k?si=ldTkx6o8

dgos and cuddles and pictures

Here are pictures from last night and today. I want to emphasize the dogs and how they are always right here with Laura. One is almost always touching her. They totally take turns as who is touching Laura. Last night was hard in that Laura gasped, snored and didn't breath at all for 30 seconds or more. I didn't sleep much. But today, all afternoon she was awake and mumbling and even responding. When Ani and I were changing her, she kept saying stop. Or when the dogs barked she said no. I sat down next to her and said hi this is Jon and she said I know. hi.  As we have kinda thought, her hospice nurse said she thinks Laura will go before the week is up. She continues to be pretty restful, peaceful and surrounded by love and especially little yaaaaaaaaappy doggie love

The Chair behind Mia is called the special seat cause Laura's right hand is always out of the covers and up wanting to be held.  Mia finally go the special seat. She has been trying to get there before the next human sits down.

As Im writing this, Laura, just said, I don't like this.  There has been a lot of stuff like that.  Today she even said I hurt all over. We increased the morphine after that comment.  Love you all out there- be it next door, a state away, an ocean away or on the east coast. be good to yourself and your loved ones.

Just hanging in the bedroom

Laura is taking much more today. She has tried to get up a couple times but everything hurts too much when she does sit up she has to lay back

peaceful

Laura is peaceful today. She is continuing the cycle where she is awake for most of the morning and then is resting and sleeping.  And by awake, I mean her eyes open and close a lot- she sometimes makes eye contact and see you but she has far away eyes. She said hi bub to Ani earlier which was cute. She mutters and even hummed to you are my sunshine. But she has not sat up at all today. She hasn't eaten since Friday morning or Saturday morning when she had pancakes or bites of one pancake. The days are blending together... She gets water through a sponge. We are basically just hanging in bed and in the wheel chairs around the bed with Laura. The door is open and its a sunny windy day so a strong warm breeze is blowing through the room.

slowing down

Laura's breathing has really slowed down and become very irregular. She is basically shutting down.  She is peaceful...