Sunday, December 15, 2019

fare thee well my honey, fare thee well

After we all put a handful of Laura into the mighty Columbia River, i tossed an extra handful for Taeryn, Luke, Silas, Elaina and Madeline...













I danced so hard in bad shoes last night.  My left heal actually hurts...

Saturday, December 14, 2019

ashes to ashes dust to ...

I am seeing both a therapist/counselor, Sarah von Coldvits, she is amazing, as well as a healer/reiki master/bowenwork aura feeler and general shaman named Kendra. Since Kendra said I should walk amongst the forests and streams I wanted to walk around our Knappa land.  On a bit of a whim, I checked in with Ani and Tim to see if they were cool with me taking Laura's ashes to Knappa and doing the first opening of them on my own in the intimacy of the woods the stream and myself.

I was pretty much blindsided by how powerful my emotions were at opening her  ashes and putting my hand inside the bag of Laura's earthly remains.  If you saw the amazing TED talk I posted last time, you'll get the pic below.



I like how a little bit of Laura is there above Big Creek with cedars, big leaf maples and alders. After crying hard, I had oysters for lunch with my friend Nancy and then John W. came by the house as I was moving wood around. It was good to be with people.

I feel like I am too much at times. I cry and talk deep and those Im with cry and listen. It is hard, but the processing and talking sure helps me. Maybe not my friends since they cry too but thats what friends are for.

Sunday, some of our closest friends are coming over in the late afternoon and the kids, our friends and I are bringing Laura's ashes down to the beach on the columbia right below our house. We will have a little ceremony. I will cry and then we will come back to the house and have some snacks and look at pictures...  I think there is a barn holiday party Ill try to go to as well tomorrow.  I know there are some of you in Seattle who want to help spread Laura's ashes too. Its a big box and you can come and I will accompany you to one of Laura's chosen places. It is important to Ani and I that we start doing this. We will probably bring Laura out to the beach on christmas as well...

Ani pretty much aced her last exam and is now done with her undergrad degree! So proud of her.  We will have to celebrate her next week once she actually gets a passing grade, but she got 100% on the multiple choice section of the test and will always ace any writing sections since she is like her mom and the best writer I know. Yay Ani! (oh ya, sorry Ani, Im not supposed to talk about you... two blogs in a row too. my bad...)

Wednesday, December 11, 2019

oh friends you're holding me/us above water

I am so damn greatful (this time the spelling is on purpose- for once) for you. for you who are reading this. for you who don't even know that i write at times. for you for holding me close and telling me its ok to feel...  to feel happy... to feel sad... to cry... to laugh... to want... to just be.  Im so darn lucky for the people I work with. I am at work more than anywhere else and even though im da boss man, you let me talk and rant and weep and be truthful. Laura and I settled in the Columbia River estuary region with the hippies and hipsters and those that felt a deep connection to the earth and the energy here. Now this community is holding me/us up; holding our heads above the pull of the tide...



The above is ink Ani got for Laura and her store Lucy's Books on the Thursday after she died. On the Thursday before the memorial service/celebration of life thing.




This is the ink Ami H. got a couple weeks ago. It's not finished. She will go back this weekend and get color...  Our people Love Laura so. I still can't quite get a tattoo...  I am not sure why. Maybe its the jew in me that rubbed off of Laura and my upbringing that just cant quite do the tattoo thing.  Maybe its im still afraid of the fbi...  I don't know... I might though some day but i might not too...

We are still having "family" dinner each week with the Posy of girl friends. I think we laughed harder and longer this past week than we have before...

There are people here in Astoria that I am leaning on big time...  Super close old friends and super close people who we have known forever but I'm just getting to know all over again.

Part of my Therapy homework this week is to spend time in the rain forest and rivers of our region as well as do a "free write" where I let Laura into me and let her dictate a letter to me from her with me writing it...  I am always up for a walk along Big Creek in the squishy rain forest we live in but the letter from Laura to me will be a bit of a challenge.

Laura's first cousin Ann Dee sent me a thumb drive with music on it. Im listening to it now. Its pretty rad.  One of my all time favorite songs is on the play list- I like you so much better when you'r naked...  there have been so many gestures of love from so many people...  A friend from 7th grade and high school, Suzie and I have just started emailing and it is so deep reconnecting with people from so long ago...  Dawn, Melany, Caryn and Solveig have all been there too and I cherish my old dear friends so.

And one last thing, we still have family dinners each night. They fill my soul. For the past week, we have laughed and lingered over dinner and talked and been here for eachother.  Just one more kid pic (no I am totally lying, I will continue to post a pic or two of my smart, kind and wonderful family)

Thank you for being here for us. For taking care of us when we didn't think we needed taking care of. For doing what is right and good even though I didn't know what I needed. Love love love

oh and if you want to get inside my head a little more, here is a ted talk that Sarah and Terry W. posted:

https://www.ted.com/talks/nora_mcinerny_we_don_t_move_on_from_grief_we_move_forward_with_it?language=en

Saturday, December 7, 2019

Dec. 7

Today was good.  I put up Christmas stuff and spent several hours with Joey B.  Joey and I walked all around a Christmas tree farm on Youngs River and talked and talked and looked at trees and had a lovely time.  I dropped her off and popped into see Ron and Lucille D.  They sent me home with chilli and beans which I made nachos with when I got hone,  We all devoured the nachos.

I did something brave or at least outside my comfort zone last night.  I tried out for a play in Astoria.  I actually read out load something I did not know in front of other people.  Since Im dyslexic, reading out loud in front of others just triggers stuff from grade school and kids making fun of me...  But it went fine. I almost really liked it...  But I did it and I am proud.  I am trying to be good to myself and those around me. I am also trying to reach out and do new things.

Setting up the Christmas/Hanukkah/Holiday stuff was actually good and felt grounded.  When the kids were little, setting up the tree and decorating the house was a big thing. But in the last half dozen years its kinda been me or me and Laura hanging up a few things before a nap. Luckily, Ani, hung up a few ornaments before we walked the dogs so I didn't do everything myself.  (thats not really talking about Ani... Just sayin)   And it was so fun blasting Pandora "A Very Special Christmas" mix and hanging ornaments on my ivy and around the house.  Last year, I bought a living Norfolk Pine (which is actually native to HI but is named Norfolk... stupid white men must have named that one) which is in a pot and we are using it as our tree again this year.  It is pretty small and weak but its growing.  As I was decorating, I was wondering why touching all there things we all touch every year isn't making me cry. And it slowly dawned on me that I have been doing all the holiday stuff for several years now and I just love decorations and everything...  It wasn't until the Bruce Springsteen version of Santa Clause is Coming to Town came on stupid Pandora that I totally broke down balling...  I knew I would cry and I am happy it was Bruce that was the catalyst.

I hung Laura's stocking up under her ashes.  A friend is making a container/urn thing to put Laura's ashes in soon. I don't think I've said on here what we are doing with her ashes: Laura and I talked a lot about this. She wants some on the little Alderbrook Beach below our house. Its the beach where many of the river beach dog pics are from and we swam there too. Its lovely.  Some ashes at parkinglot B beach in Fort Stevens State Park at the mouth of the Columbia River.  Laura said,"Fine, if you really want to put some of me in Knappa, fine. Just a little though." So I will put some out on our Knappa land on Big Creek.  Then the rest goes to the cemetery plot in Sweden, Maine below my Mom's house. But last spring, Laura asked if I would not burry her there until I was there too since she felt like she would be lonely. I said yes of course. Would you like me to show new girl friends your ashes? and she said yes of course! I hope I scare them!!!  Haha  thats my sweet wife.


This is the little shrine we have for Laura and her stocking

Laura made the little wool and felt dude between the horses

Thursday, December 5, 2019

3 months

Tomorrow, Friday December 6th, will be three months since Laura died.  It feels like another life time ago that she was alive. That Ani and I and Tim and the dogs and friends held vidil in our room and were with her as she slipped from here to there. I have so many memories and feelings about Laura but it seems like so so long ago.  And only three months.  I have a close friend who is just over three months pregnant and I feel like she should have had a baby ages ago if she got pregnant around the time Laura died. Its kind of a trip...

We are all here.  I am re kindling old friendships which is good.  But I'm just kinda numb. I'll write more at some point. I just don't feel it today...  I can't really believe that there are still a handful of people checking in on this blog thing...

Friday, November 29, 2019

Thanksgiving

I was totally patting myself on the back yesterday afternoon about how well I was doing and that I totally had this holiday thing down...  Then after a sauna and everyone went to bed, i just lost it. I cried so hard and so long just saying I miss you over and over. I felt Laura there in my lap as I cried. I went outside to cry. Frost was and still is on the ground and I cried outside in bare feet and my jammies for an hour and a half until i was too bone chillingly cold I had to come in and drink water and go to bed.

I fell into a whole of grief and sorry that I have been diligently walking around. I have a very well worn path around this hole of sorry within me. I guess i need to look into it a bit more before I try to cover it up.  The hole will always be there and i guess I need to find a way to build a bridge over it or handrails next to it so I don't fall in unexpectedly but so I can also visit the hole and look in...

So everyone if fine. thanksgiving was lovely and the food was great. No surprise there, Ani made three pies cause two is not enough: pumpkin, pumpkin cheese cake and chocolate pecan/walnut pie (we ran out of pecans... and Ani thought chocolate chips were a better idea than cranberries)

Kathryn has this habit of sending us flowers for thanksgiving.  She is pretty kind and nice.

We went out and heard some good music Wed. night in hopping downtown Astoria.




Sunday, November 24, 2019

community

I and we, as in Laura and I, have always been big believers in it takes a community to raise a kid or children. Ani and Tim ran wild in down town Astoria after school when they walked or bused to Lucy's Books.  And now I'm finding that our whole community is taking care of the kids and I. It totally takes a community to help us morn and see the light of day. Thank you all for holding my kids and I close.

I am donating some fruit trees, bulbs, and native pollinators to a sweet farm near us where Laura loved to go.  The farm is 46 North.  It is a peaceful and lovely place to go.  We feel close to both the owners and the people who go their for a connection to the land.

This weekend was good and I cried hard and I saw two pairs of hooded mergansers and I walked with friends and I danced like no one was watching... Just to let you know, I will not be writing anything more about my kids. This is too public. I get that...  Happy Thanksgiving week.

Wednesday, November 20, 2019

Wednesday night

Good evening. For the past six or eight weeks, I have had dinner with friends every Wednesday night.  It is a lovely mid week break and good to spend time with loving friends. I am happy to report that Mia's back is doing a lot better. She gets a pain and anti inflammation pill every day and it has helped her a lot. She can't jump up onto anything, but she is happier and plays with Louis a lot more.

Tim continues to do well which warms my heart. Ani is struggling with what I imagine to be many demons- like graduating from college, turning 24 and the loss of Mom...

I love Thanksgiving. Danny Graves is coming down from Western WA University which will be a hoot. Although we probably can't go surfing/boogie boarding since he broke his jaw 4-6 weeks ago, it will still be great to hang with him. He said he can eat scrambled eggs, mashed potatoes and sauces.  Plus we have a bitchin' blender that Julia has loaned/given us which will make a yummy Thanksgiving dinner smoothy for him.  John and Rachel Whisler will also come over I think.

I have had moments where I feel like I can breath. Where I feel sun on my face and I feel human. Those are also followed by a general malaise and deep sadness.  I am making some new friends- people in the community that I have always liked but have not known well. It is fun and good.  I still cry most days.  I talk to Laura every night.  I have a super annoying habit of saying goodnight like 5-10 times. It drove Laura bonkers as I was falling asleep and she was reading, but I still say good night honey too many times.  Louis sometimes licks me but more often than not ignore me. Mia has taken full advantage of Mom being gone and now sleeps under the covers- dont judge, she just does.

My work is fine. Still pretty busy and I do love everyone I work with which is a huge bonus. I am taking Wed-Friday off next week. Lots of cooking, dog walks and such.  Peace all you beautiful people still managing to read this blather of one day at a time.

I actually have tried to make the world spin faster with my super powers. You know- make time move by faster...  I think its working since it sure is dark earlier at night and later in the morning these days...

Tuesday, November 12, 2019

Ani's 24th birthday today

OK, I planned the photos after the blog post, but I guess they will be first... This blog structure is not really supported anymore and is pretty glitchy.
on a field trip to OSU with high school students...

Mom lured me up to her house with Lobster if I get there by 6 pm... I drove fast! it was so good!!!

I've always loved british red caps. Or at least that is what I learned these fungi/lichen to be...

I have a habit of adding stones to the stone garden when I am in maine.

view from Mom's deck in Sweden Maine.

crabbing with Lars


Ani turned 24 today. It's kinda hard. She is fine- you know fine- Fucked up, insecure, neurotic, and emotional. Thats my words not hers, but she might agree. Its more like she is living at home (and its a sweet home with love and yet a big hole) not sure whats up for the future and just trying to get through every day.

I am posting this somewhat maudlin post with honesty. We are mostly good.  Big news is that Tim spend the last 5 days cleaning and vacuuming and organizing the entire garage with is huge. I totally have hoarder instinks and bring stuff home from the beach and streets and yard sales of life. He threw out lots and organizing tons and has made the garage sparkly and clean. He wants to start working on his 1988 chevy van he bought a few years ago. It is good.  He is really trying to move forward. He continues to mountain bike more days than not. He has found some sweet trails he loves just a short bike from our house up in the forest lands near us. We (Ani, Louis, Mia and I) are really happy to see him doing things and being proactive.

Ani got back from her journey to the Southwest a week ago. She cut her trip a bit short since she broke a small bone in her left foot and a doctor told her to stop biking and hiking for 6 weeks. She was out for two solid weeks of camping and biking on her own. I think she could have lasted another week at the most since it was already in the teens and twenties at night and her water was slushy and frozen in the morning.  She had a blast. She broke her foot on the same trail she did a wild face plant crash two years ago in Fruita Colorado. As she says, I didnt even brake my foot, just a hairline fracture! She is a beast and so strong and good. just a rough patch which life throws at us all.

I'm fine too. Some good days. Some hard days. I have a new habit of crying on my way to work. its stupid. sorry to be so honest. I do adore my counselor and see her every week. She is grounding and good. I asked her today if I am doing counseling correctly since all i do is just talk. She said yes...

I crabbed this weekend with my buddy Lars.  So we have been eating crab.  Crab is good.  Dogs are good. Weather has been lovely yet getting darker and darker.


I had a wonderful trip to Maine and Mass. Saw lots of friends and did lots of yard work for Mom. Below are some photos from the last month.  I will continue to try to update this blog thing, but I have lost momentum. I feel like it is me whining and no one needs more whining in life...

Laura's college room mate and gang in college. It was a trip hanging out with them for a night. We lit a lantern that floated up over the Atlantic and we said good things about Laura.  Good people


Wednesday, October 23, 2019

Laura's old blog

I am not sure why I didn't send this out while Laura was alive, but I kinda assumed everyone knew she did a cancer blog...  I read a lot of it last night.  If you do not know, her last post of Sept. of 2017.

http://laurasnyderupdates.blogspot.com/

check it out...  love you all.  It's a lovely day and Im off to walk the dogs.

Tuesday, October 22, 2019

fine fine

All is ok. Tim is loving his mountain bike. He is riding most days. Usually just bikes from home and goes up into the forest lands and there are so many small trails people maintain off the main logging and other gravel roads up there. He loves exploring and checking the area out.

Ani has packed her Subaru up and is leaving for Moab Utah tomorrow morning. She hopes to get 600-800 miles in tomorrow and then get to Moab for bouldering and mountain biking in the sun by Thursday. She will sleep in her car and has a camp stove for cooking and coffee. She has a foam pad in the back of the Subaru and her bike fits in there too.  She is sad but doing ok. She is taking one online geology class and should graduate PSU in Dec. I bet she will be home in a couple weeks since it is getting actually cold at night in the mountain west.

I am going to work and slowly doing some deep cleaning of the house and rooms. I haven't even thought about clean Laura's things out, Im just organizing them. I have to do a better job with all the paper work. Like our amazon prime account is in her name but I will get to that at some point.

I am excited to fly to Boston on Saturday oct 26 and then back to Oregon the next Sat. nov 2 I think. It will be good to go east for a bit. That's all folks. we are fine.  Just trying to figure this life thing out.

Sunday, October 13, 2019

We are OK

We have made it past the 4 week, one month and even 5 weeks past Laura died.  Every Friday, Ani and I and others (Rachel's work alarm clock goes off at the time I called her on Friday Sept. 6 to tell her Laura passed) think of Lauras passing.

It has been a beautiful weekend and I have played with my gardens and yard most of the weekend. Art walk, music and dancing last night. I went out with John and Rachel W. They left me to dance away the night at Holiday Friends at the end of the evening.  Israel Nebeker (lead singer for Blind Pilot) sang a set at a new black box theater in Astoria. It was lovely.

Tim has bought a mountain bike and he and Ani have gone biking together and he has been out on his own this weekend. He is really happy about the bike and it is such a good thing for him!  I feel like a cloak has lifted seeing Tim happy. Ani and I had a big long joint cry together Friday night. It was the first time both of us were crying together. It was kinda sweet.

I have been doing a stupid diet since Oct.1. Its called whole 30. basically just meat, potatoes, veggies and nuts. NO sugar, grains (corn), dairy (eggs are allowed since they are not really dairy at all but fowl) alcohol or fun. No, fun is still allowed on the diet. Its a good reset for me.  It will actually only be Whole 26 since I am flying east on Oct. 26 and will stop my diet while on vacation. Some of Laura's college room mates and friends are gathering to tell stories about her on Oct 26 which Im crashing and then Ill see my Mom and friends.

My work team was honored by the Astoria School District as an important community partner.
The dogs are OK. Louis has recovered from his raccoon incident but he now lets Mia take the lead in night time forays into the yard

My red poppies self seed throughout the garden and this is an example of the third bloom, die, reseed and bloom again in the garden this summer. We often get two sets of blooms but this is the first year we have gotten three blooms.


Wednesday, October 2, 2019

more nothing to say


As advertised, I don't really have anything to say. I just looked and that is how I started the last post. I have done things like fold my own laundry for the first time. I admit that I bought a six pack of underwear on Amazon which gave me one more week of not doing laundry!  Laura liked folding cloths. Or maybe she really didn't like the way I folded clothes, but what ever the reason she always folded the clothes. I would often carry laundry around and start and change laundry around but Laura would always fold the laundry in front of the tv at night.

I haven't been watching any tv either besides Timbers soccer games. I will catch a baseball game during the playoffs. Im sure I'll check out some Patriots at some point as well. I go to bed between 9-10 but I am able to sleep again. Lucky me.  I wake up super early but that's fine with me. Ani isn't sleeping much.

Ani and I went to a little brew fest Friday night and it was wicked fun. I danced like a mad man and she talked to all kinds of my friends.  She even said,"Dad you have some really fun friends. Where have you been hiding them."  Haha.  Ya Ani I do have fun friends. How strange huh?!

Louis got the crap beat out of him by a raccoon a week ago. I heard him barking and then he was screaming and yelping. I ran outside in the pitch dark and kicked the raccoon off him and he ran towards the house and the darn raccoon jumped him again and I had to kick it off him a second time! I did take him to the vet the next day and while his rabies shot was up to date, they gave him a second one and antibiotics.  He had a couple dozen puncture wounds on his butt and back legs.  Poor boy.  The night he get jumped, he came inside and trembled on Ani's lap for a long time.

Both kids have been sick but are both on the mend. Ani got signed up for her last upper division geology class. Its an online class through UO and she will graduate with her degree in December as long as she passes! Its a geologic hazards class which is actually fun stuff as long as you like earthquakes, tsunamis, volcanoes, land slides and such. So cool!

I guess this work week has been harder than others. I had to pull my car over cause I was crying so hard after a meeting on Monday. I ended up going directly to the gym at Clatsop CC and took the rest of the afternoon off. It's just a bit lonely and sad around this corner of the world.

I have started doing the death paper work- getting Laura's name off stuff. It's stupid. Social Security Administration not only wants an original death certificate, but an original birth certificate and an original marriage licence! So Stupid.  Laura's Mom, Barbara, was so kind and went to the City of Springfield MA and got a new Birth Certificate for me!  I doing this, I unearthed passports of Laura and I when we were 23 and 22 respectively. Below is a photo of them:
Louis right after the mean raccoon mugged him and bite up his hind legs and butt.



Proof that the sun is still setting in the west.

Oh one cool thing is that Ani left home yesterday morning at 2:50 am and picked up her wingperson, Annik, and they climbed Saddle Mountain in the dark.  They got to the top a long time before sunrise and watched the stars from a moonless sky high in the Oregon Coast Range and saw shooting starts as well as an alien spaceship.  Then sunrise was amazing. Here is a taste of it below: