Dec. 7

Today was good.  I put up Christmas stuff and spent several hours with Joey B.  Joey and I walked all around a Christmas tree farm on Youngs River and talked and talked and looked at trees and had a lovely time.  I dropped her off and popped into see Ron and Lucille D.  They sent me home with chilli and beans which I made nachos with when I got hone,  We all devoured the nachos.

I did something brave or at least outside my comfort zone last night.  I tried out for a play in Astoria.  I actually read out load something I did not know in front of other people.  Since Im dyslexic, reading out loud in front of others just triggers stuff from grade school and kids making fun of me...  But it went fine. I almost really liked it...  But I did it and I am proud.  I am trying to be good to myself and those around me. I am also trying to reach out and do new things.

Setting up the Christmas/Hanukkah/Holiday stuff was actually good and felt grounded.  When the kids were little, setting up the tree and decorating the house was a big thing. But in the last half dozen years its kinda been me or me and Laura hanging up a few things before a nap. Luckily, Ani, hung up a few ornaments before we walked the dogs so I didn't do everything myself.  (thats not really talking about Ani... Just sayin)   And it was so fun blasting Pandora "A Very Special Christmas" mix and hanging ornaments on my ivy and around the house.  Last year, I bought a living Norfolk Pine (which is actually native to HI but is named Norfolk... stupid white men must have named that one) which is in a pot and we are using it as our tree again this year.  It is pretty small and weak but its growing.  As I was decorating, I was wondering why touching all there things we all touch every year isn't making me cry. And it slowly dawned on me that I have been doing all the holiday stuff for several years now and I just love decorations and everything...  It wasn't until the Bruce Springsteen version of Santa Clause is Coming to Town came on stupid Pandora that I totally broke down balling...  I knew I would cry and I am happy it was Bruce that was the catalyst.

I hung Laura's stocking up under her ashes.  A friend is making a container/urn thing to put Laura's ashes in soon. I don't think I've said on here what we are doing with her ashes: Laura and I talked a lot about this. She wants some on the little Alderbrook Beach below our house. Its the beach where many of the river beach dog pics are from and we swam there too. Its lovely.  Some ashes at parkinglot B beach in Fort Stevens State Park at the mouth of the Columbia River.  Laura said,"Fine, if you really want to put some of me in Knappa, fine. Just a little though." So I will put some out on our Knappa land on Big Creek.  Then the rest goes to the cemetery plot in Sweden, Maine below my Mom's house. But last spring, Laura asked if I would not burry her there until I was there too since she felt like she would be lonely. I said yes of course. Would you like me to show new girl friends your ashes? and she said yes of course! I hope I scare them!!!  Haha  thats my sweet wife.

This is the little shrine we have for Laura and her stocking

Laura made the little wool and felt dude between the horses