fare thee well my honey, fare thee well

After we all put a handful of Laura into the mighty Columbia River, i tossed an extra handful for Taeryn, Luke, Silas, Elaina and Madeline...

I danced so hard in bad shoes last night.  My left heal actually hurts...

ashes to ashes dust to ...

I am seeing both a therapist/counselor, Sarah von Coldvits, she is amazing, as well as a healer/reiki master/bowenwork aura feeler and general shaman named Kendra. Since Kendra said I should walk amongst the forests and streams I wanted to walk around our Knappa land.  On a bit of a whim, I checked in with Ani and Tim to see if they were cool with me taking Laura's ashes to Knappa and doing the first opening of them on my own in the intimacy of the woods the stream and myself.

I was pretty much blindsided by how powerful my emotions were at opening her  ashes and putting my hand inside the bag of Laura's earthly remains.  If you saw the amazing TED talk I posted last time, you'll get the pic below.

I like how a little bit of Laura is there above Big Creek with cedars, big leaf maples and alders. After crying hard, I had oysters for lunch with my friend Nancy and then John W. came by the house as I was moving wood around. It was good to be with people.

I feel like I am too much at times. I cry and talk deep and those Im with cry and listen. It is hard, but the processing and talking sure helps me. Maybe not my friends since they cry too but thats what friends are for.

Sunday, some of our closest friends are coming over in the late afternoon and the kids, our friends and I are bringing Laura's ashes down to the beach on the columbia right below our house. We will have a little ceremony. I will cry and then we will come back to the house and have some snacks and look at pictures...  I think there is a barn holiday party Ill try to go to as well tomorrow.  I know there are some of you in Seattle who want to help spread Laura's ashes too. Its a big box and you can come and I will accompany you to one of Laura's chosen places. It is important to Ani and I that we start doing this. We will probably bring Laura out to the beach on christmas as well...

Ani pretty much aced her last exam and is now done with her undergrad degree! So proud of her.  We will have to celebrate her next week once she actually gets a passing grade, but she got 100% on the multiple choice section of the test and will always ace any writing sections since she is like her mom and the best writer I know. Yay Ani! (oh ya, sorry Ani, Im not supposed to talk about you... two blogs in a row too. my bad...)

oh friends you're holding me/us above water

I am so damn greatful (this time the spelling is on purpose- for once) for you. for you who are reading this. for you who don't even know that i write at times. for you for holding me close and telling me its ok to feel...  to feel happy... to feel sad... to cry... to laugh... to want... to just be.  Im so darn lucky for the people I work with. I am at work more than anywhere else and even though im da boss man, you let me talk and rant and weep and be truthful. Laura and I settled in the Columbia River estuary region with the hippies and hipsters and those that felt a deep connection to the earth and the energy here. Now this community is holding me/us up; holding our heads above the pull of the tide...

The above is ink Ani got for Laura and her store Lucy's Books on the Thursday after she died. On the Thursday before the memorial service/celebration of life thing.

This is the ink Ami H. got a couple weeks ago. It's not finished. She will go back this weekend and get color...  Our people Love Laura so. I still can't quite get a tattoo...  I am not sure why. Maybe its the jew in me that rubbed off of Laura and my upbringing that just cant quite do the tattoo thing.  Maybe its im still afraid of the fbi...  I don't know... I might though some day but i might not too...

We are still having "family" dinner each week with the Posy of girl friends. I think we laughed harder and longer this past week than we have before...

There are people here in Astoria that I am leaning on big time...  Super close old friends and super close people who we have known forever but I'm just getting to know all over again.

Part of my Therapy homework this week is to spend time in the rain forest and rivers of our region as well as do a "free write" where I let Laura into me and let her dictate a letter to me from her with me writing it...  I am always up for a walk along Big Creek in the squishy rain forest we live in but the letter from Laura to me will be a bit of a challenge.

Laura's first cousin Ann Dee sent me a thumb drive with music on it. Im listening to it now. Its pretty rad.  One of my all time favorite songs is on the play list- I like you so much better when you'r naked...  there have been so many gestures of love from so many people...  A friend from 7th grade and high school, Suzie and I have just started emailing and it is so deep reconnecting with people from so long ago...  Dawn, Melany, Caryn and Solveig have all been there too and I cherish my old dear friends so.

And one last thing, we still have family dinners each night. They fill my soul. For the past week, we have laughed and lingered over dinner and talked and been here for eachother.  Just one more kid pic (no I am totally lying, I will continue to post a pic or two of my smart, kind and wonderful family)

Thank you for being here for us. For taking care of us when we didn't think we needed taking care of. For doing what is right and good even though I didn't know what I needed. Love love love

oh and if you want to get inside my head a little more, here is a ted talk that Sarah and Terry W. posted:

https://www.ted.com/talks/nora_mcinerny_we_don_t_move_on_from_grief_we_move_forward_with_it?language=en

Dec. 7

Today was good.  I put up Christmas stuff and spent several hours with Joey B.  Joey and I walked all around a Christmas tree farm on Youngs River and talked and talked and looked at trees and had a lovely time.  I dropped her off and popped into see Ron and Lucille D.  They sent me home with chilli and beans which I made nachos with when I got hone,  We all devoured the nachos.

I did something brave or at least outside my comfort zone last night.  I tried out for a play in Astoria.  I actually read out load something I did not know in front of other people.  Since Im dyslexic, reading out loud in front of others just triggers stuff from grade school and kids making fun of me...  But it went fine. I almost really liked it...  But I did it and I am proud.  I am trying to be good to myself and those around me. I am also trying to reach out and do new things.

Setting up the Christmas/Hanukkah/Holiday stuff was actually good and felt grounded.  When the kids were little, setting up the tree and decorating the house was a big thing. But in the last half dozen years its kinda been me or me and Laura hanging up a few things before a nap. Luckily, Ani, hung up a few ornaments before we walked the dogs so I didn't do everything myself.  (thats not really talking about Ani... Just sayin)   And it was so fun blasting Pandora "A Very Special Christmas" mix and hanging ornaments on my ivy and around the house.  Last year, I bought a living Norfolk Pine (which is actually native to HI but is named Norfolk... stupid white men must have named that one) which is in a pot and we are using it as our tree again this year.  It is pretty small and weak but its growing.  As I was decorating, I was wondering why touching all there things we all touch every year isn't making me cry. And it slowly dawned on me that I have been doing all the holiday stuff for several years now and I just love decorations and everything...  It wasn't until the Bruce Springsteen version of Santa Clause is Coming to Town came on stupid Pandora that I totally broke down balling...  I knew I would cry and I am happy it was Bruce that was the catalyst.

I hung Laura's stocking up under her ashes.  A friend is making a container/urn thing to put Laura's ashes in soon. I don't think I've said on here what we are doing with her ashes: Laura and I talked a lot about this. She wants some on the little Alderbrook Beach below our house. Its the beach where many of the river beach dog pics are from and we swam there too. Its lovely.  Some ashes at parkinglot B beach in Fort Stevens State Park at the mouth of the Columbia River.  Laura said,"Fine, if you really want to put some of me in Knappa, fine. Just a little though." So I will put some out on our Knappa land on Big Creek.  Then the rest goes to the cemetery plot in Sweden, Maine below my Mom's house. But last spring, Laura asked if I would not burry her there until I was there too since she felt like she would be lonely. I said yes of course. Would you like me to show new girl friends your ashes? and she said yes of course! I hope I scare them!!!  Haha  thats my sweet wife.

This is the little shrine we have for Laura and her stocking

Laura made the little wool and felt dude between the horses

3 months

Tomorrow, Friday December 6th, will be three months since Laura died.  It feels like another life time ago that she was alive. That Ani and I and Tim and the dogs and friends held vidil in our room and were with her as she slipped from here to there. I have so many memories and feelings about Laura but it seems like so so long ago.  And only three months.  I have a close friend who is just over three months pregnant and I feel like she should have had a baby ages ago if she got pregnant around the time Laura died. Its kind of a trip...

We are all here.  I am re kindling old friendships which is good.  But I'm just kinda numb. I'll write more at some point. I just don't feel it today...  I can't really believe that there are still a handful of people checking in on this blog thing...