Thanksgiving

I was totally patting myself on the back yesterday afternoon about how well I was doing and that I totally had this holiday thing down...  Then after a sauna and everyone went to bed, i just lost it. I cried so hard and so long just saying I miss you over and over. I felt Laura there in my lap as I cried. I went outside to cry. Frost was and still is on the ground and I cried outside in bare feet and my jammies for an hour and a half until i was too bone chillingly cold I had to come in and drink water and go to bed.

I fell into a whole of grief and sorry that I have been diligently walking around. I have a very well worn path around this hole of sorry within me. I guess i need to look into it a bit more before I try to cover it up.  The hole will always be there and i guess I need to find a way to build a bridge over it or handrails next to it so I don't fall in unexpectedly but so I can also visit the hole and look in...

So everyone if fine. thanksgiving was lovely and the food was great. No surprise there, Ani made three pies cause two is not enough: pumpkin, pumpkin cheese cake and chocolate pecan/walnut pie (we ran out of pecans... and Ani thought chocolate chips were a better idea than cranberries)

Kathryn has this habit of sending us flowers for thanksgiving.  She is pretty kind and nice.

We went out and heard some good music Wed. night in hopping downtown Astoria.

community

I and we, as in Laura and I, have always been big believers in it takes a community to raise a kid or children. Ani and Tim ran wild in down town Astoria after school when they walked or bused to Lucy's Books.  And now I'm finding that our whole community is taking care of the kids and I. It totally takes a community to help us morn and see the light of day. Thank you all for holding my kids and I close.

I am donating some fruit trees, bulbs, and native pollinators to a sweet farm near us where Laura loved to go.  The farm is 46 North.  It is a peaceful and lovely place to go.  We feel close to both the owners and the people who go their for a connection to the land.

This weekend was good and I cried hard and I saw two pairs of hooded mergansers and I walked with friends and I danced like no one was watching... Just to let you know, I will not be writing anything more about my kids. This is too public. I get that...  Happy Thanksgiving week.

Wednesday night

Good evening. For the past six or eight weeks, I have had dinner with friends every Wednesday night.  It is a lovely mid week break and good to spend time with loving friends. I am happy to report that Mia's back is doing a lot better. She gets a pain and anti inflammation pill every day and it has helped her a lot. She can't jump up onto anything, but she is happier and plays with Louis a lot more.

Tim continues to do well which warms my heart. Ani is struggling with what I imagine to be many demons- like graduating from college, turning 24 and the loss of Mom...

I love Thanksgiving. Danny Graves is coming down from Western WA University which will be a hoot. Although we probably can't go surfing/boogie boarding since he broke his jaw 4-6 weeks ago, it will still be great to hang with him. He said he can eat scrambled eggs, mashed potatoes and sauces.  Plus we have a bitchin' blender that Julia has loaned/given us which will make a yummy Thanksgiving dinner smoothy for him.  John and Rachel Whisler will also come over I think.

I have had moments where I feel like I can breath. Where I feel sun on my face and I feel human. Those are also followed by a general malaise and deep sadness.  I am making some new friends- people in the community that I have always liked but have not known well. It is fun and good.  I still cry most days.  I talk to Laura every night.  I have a super annoying habit of saying goodnight like 5-10 times. It drove Laura bonkers as I was falling asleep and she was reading, but I still say good night honey too many times.  Louis sometimes licks me but more often than not ignore me. Mia has taken full advantage of Mom being gone and now sleeps under the covers- dont judge, she just does.

My work is fine. Still pretty busy and I do love everyone I work with which is a huge bonus. I am taking Wed-Friday off next week. Lots of cooking, dog walks and such.  Peace all you beautiful people still managing to read this blather of one day at a time.

I actually have tried to make the world spin faster with my super powers. You know- make time move by faster...  I think its working since it sure is dark earlier at night and later in the morning these days...

Ani's 24th birthday today

OK, I planned the photos after the blog post, but I guess they will be first... This blog structure is not really supported anymore and is pretty glitchy.

on a field trip to OSU with high school students...

Mom lured me up to her house with Lobster if I get there by 6 pm... I drove fast! it was so good!!!

I've always loved british red caps. Or at least that is what I learned these fungi/lichen to be...

I have a habit of adding stones to the stone garden when I am in maine.

view from Mom's deck in Sweden Maine.

crabbing with Lars

Ani turned 24 today. It's kinda hard. She is fine- you know fine- Fucked up, insecure, neurotic, and emotional. Thats my words not hers, but she might agree. Its more like she is living at home (and its a sweet home with love and yet a big hole) not sure whats up for the future and just trying to get through every day.

I am posting this somewhat maudlin post with honesty. We are mostly good.  Big news is that Tim spend the last 5 days cleaning and vacuuming and organizing the entire garage with is huge. I totally have hoarder instinks and bring stuff home from the beach and streets and yard sales of life. He threw out lots and organizing tons and has made the garage sparkly and clean. He wants to start working on his 1988 chevy van he bought a few years ago. It is good.  He is really trying to move forward. He continues to mountain bike more days than not. He has found some sweet trails he loves just a short bike from our house up in the forest lands near us. We (Ani, Louis, Mia and I) are really happy to see him doing things and being proactive.

Ani got back from her journey to the Southwest a week ago. She cut her trip a bit short since she broke a small bone in her left foot and a doctor told her to stop biking and hiking for 6 weeks. She was out for two solid weeks of camping and biking on her own. I think she could have lasted another week at the most since it was already in the teens and twenties at night and her water was slushy and frozen in the morning.  She had a blast. She broke her foot on the same trail she did a wild face plant crash two years ago in Fruita Colorado. As she says, I didnt even brake my foot, just a hairline fracture! She is a beast and so strong and good. just a rough patch which life throws at us all.

I'm fine too. Some good days. Some hard days. I have a new habit of crying on my way to work. its stupid. sorry to be so honest. I do adore my counselor and see her every week. She is grounding and good. I asked her today if I am doing counseling correctly since all i do is just talk. She said yes...

I crabbed this weekend with my buddy Lars.  So we have been eating crab.  Crab is good.  Dogs are good. Weather has been lovely yet getting darker and darker.

I had a wonderful trip to Maine and Mass. Saw lots of friends and did lots of yard work for Mom. Below are some photos from the last month.  I will continue to try to update this blog thing, but I have lost momentum. I feel like it is me whining and no one needs more whining in life...

Laura's college room mate and gang in college. It was a trip hanging out with them for a night. We lit a lantern that floated up over the Atlantic and we said good things about Laura.  Good people