My thoughts on cancer: every now and then, I try to write something about what it’s like with my wife having metastatic breast cancer (MBC). Laura has been living with metastatic cancer for just over 33 months which happens to be the median life expectancy for someone with MBC. This statistic could be a little skewed since there are a couple of new chemo drugs (herceptin and perjeta) that have become available over the past two to four years that should increase life expectancy for those with HER2 positive breast cancer. She is on chemotherapy and will continue on chemo of one type or another for the rest of her life.
Right now, Laura has five brain mets (tumors) she is just walking around with. They are very small so her radiation oncologist just wants to wait before doing a procedure. But this is me telling facts and not feelings.
Ever looming is death. Metastatic cancer is the cancer that kills. So death is the first thing that is always lurking. Every three months she has scans and we see if there is cancer in the body or in the brain. Her cancer likes to invade her brain.
But besides the big thing (death), is the human trait of planning ahead. Thinking of the future. Our future is lived in three month scan cycles. But at the same time, I think about what is happening in ten years when I’m in my early 60s.
My birthday is next week. I will turn 53. My Dad died when he was 52. I have been afraid of 52 for a long time. Laura made it past 52 and it looks like I will too. But it brings up lots of emotions - especially the long-lasting void left for my wife and kids, who never met my real Dad.
What is it like living with metastatic cancer (from a caregiver/observer view)? Day to day can be good, generally is good. Dog walks and amazing dinners. Laura is cooking more than ever before in our marriage and the food is amazing. But there is a knot in my stomach; a catch in my throat when someone talks of retirement or the future. I wonder if I should be paying attention when people talk about swiping left or right on Tinder or Teaser(?) or whatever the dating app of choice is. Will I be looking for someone to retire with in 15 years or will Laura be there by my side? Like everything in life, I just don’t know but my mind wonders to the uncertain future late at night or early in the morning.
I also feel guilty about wondering about my future when Laura is doing well while having cancer in her brain. There are interesting and potentially life saving drugs out there in trials which could make all the difference in the near future.
Am I a bad person for making jokes that she can’t remember something? She does not have nearly the cognitive abilities that she had five years ago. Brain radiation will do that, as well as years of chemotherapy. Her eyesight changes every few months and she needs new glasses lenses, but I taunt her for not being able to see… I know, I suck and should be better but I can’t help making jokes about what is hard.
We are thinking and dreaming of building out on our Knappa land above Big Creek. It is great to think about moving out there when I retire, but what does that really mean - am I with Lu or alone?
If you have read this far, please do not worry about me. I am the same ebullient, happy-go lucky-fellow you know. At times, I think too much, just like my lovely wife.
