Today is the one year anniversary of finding out Laura has metastatic breast cancer. With cancer throughout her lungs, liver and lymph nodes, I did not think I would be celebrating this day, but she is not only alive but well. Thank you big pharma!!! Her diagnosis was a week before Ani graduated from AHS and two weeks before Laura graduated from CCC with her Medical Assisting degree. As of a few months ago, there was still no evidence of disease in her last scans. (Next scan results June 9 but whose counting) The chemo and now two biologic drugs which bind to her type of HER 2 positive breast cancer seem to be keeping it at bay right now.
Like every school year, this past one has flown by. I can’t believe it’s June next Monday, but at the same time I cannot remember life before my wife had cancer. I do not think of the future besides my kids and students. I try to cherish each day but find myself falling back into routines where I spend too much time outside gardening and such and not enough time with Laura. I think we are doing well as a couple. We talk. We walk the dogs and actually go on mini dates together- like driving to a track meet or going to Portland together to pick up Ani from the airport.
But cancer is always right there; lurking and stealing my thoughts of retiring and driving the country with Laura in a converted toyota van visiting our kids and walking the dogs on different beaches. (Or more accurately, figuring out what city to get an appartment in and give Laura some city life that she has given up for the country life in Clatsop County.) It takes the wind out of you. At times, I am mad and frustrated and maybe swear too much. I will work on the swearing. At times I’m too upbeat and positive and Pollyanna. I’ll always remember a year ago today when Dr. Raish came into the room and said the good news is that there are no mets or cancer in your bones, and I turned to Laura and said, ”See, it’s OK!” but then Dr. Raish said he was not finished…
I have bought cemetery plots. So strange. A lot of times, I feel shaky and am not sure why. I feel like Laura is living on borrowed time and want to make the most out of it. The reality is we really don’t know. While the infusions she gets every three weeks- which cost over $30,000 each time (thank you Moda Insurance Plan- I will never complain about my copay again)- we just don’t know how long they will continue to work or conversely what new wonder drug is in the works. I am starting, just starting, to understand how to live with uncertainty of the the future. While we all know we will die, not many have an idea like Laura of how. I’m not sure what I want to say here, today, but to celebrate Laura being alive and to promise myself and family that I will be as present as I can and continue to enjoy each moment. The little things really do matter. I love our family, our house, our community, and our friends. Thank you for everyone being there for us. Even in the face of stupid cancer, I find that more than not, all I can do is smile smile smile.
