a dream

On Saturday night I had a wild dream. I am an active sleeper- sleep walking, talking etc. So I woke up at like 2 am and was like oh no, Laura is not in bed next to me. Damn were is she? I looked in the bathroom, I went down stairs to the kitchen, looked outside on the deck and then into the downstairs bathroom...  It was in the downstairs bathroom after searching for Laura for a while that I was like, wait, Laura died so thats why she isn't in bed with you.

Maybe not the most uplifting dream but there you go.  I actually feel pretty good all things considered. The Mexico trip was defiantly a reset for me. I feel like I can breath again and so much more Jon than I have felt.

I fly to Albuquerque on Saturday and then home late on Tuesday. My close friend Ron Devargas is picking me up at the airport and we are driving north to his house in Espanola NM.  Ron's youngest and Tim went through school together and have been close since 5 years old and Ron and I are peas in a pod. Always finding the bright side of life. I have always wanted to see his place in NM so we will have a blast.

Work is busy and good and mostly fulfilling.  Friends are close and sweet. Im meeting new people and doing things all the time.  I really don't know what the dogs will do when Ani leaves.  Louis is a total night time slut moving repeatedly between Ani's bed and my bed. each day Ani and I report when Louis left or came to us and neither of us  remembers all the going back and forth.

Tim continues to ride his bike all the time and is doing pretty good.  Not sure why you're reading this. It must be boring now.  anyway, love you. peace Jon

too long absent

Christmas day on the beach with Laura's remains.  We burned smudge and hers and flowers and put her ashes into the Pacific Ocean.  It was good.

Louis and Mia are still huge parts of our every day lives...  They spend most of the day in bed with Ani on the third floor.

Ani combed both dogs today and I actually clipped Mia with the electric dog clippers and sissors.  this pic is obviously in sheep mode and now she is much thinner with less hair.

John and Tyler on Christmas day. It was such a beautiful thing that Hannah and Tyler were here for Christmas. 

Us on Christmas

On Boxing Day we went for a boat ride. Left to Right Hannah,Rachel, John, and Tyler

Mexico.  the Sea of Cortez behind my boy

La Paz was amazing. There is a beautiful board walk along the waterfront that has bronze statues at the foot of every street going down to the water.  We felt safe and ate well and loved our Air BNB

I like doors

Silver Fox... haha  Like the shadow

Maybe some type of Gar fish. Definitely a fish scull but not a barracuda or anything I know...  Love the vicious teeth though

From the Balcony of our Air BNB.  Rare T pic

I just like this pic

Sunset on the La Paz Boardwalk while Tim and I were walking one night

Big cactus.  Cardon Cactus

Hiking one morning.  6 minutes from our place.

Real weather behind me. It rained hard about 30 minutes after this pic

Tim rented a long board and I rented roller blades and we zoomed up and down the 4 mile board walk

Dinner the last night in La Paz

This is at the end of a point of land where the snorkeling was amazing. Big fish. coral. huge diversity of fishies and coral and kinda wild and wavy and adventurous.  This was our favorite place to snorkel. I love how you can see the sand that drops out of the air behind a little rocky point.  Just enough sand to let Ani put a towle out while Tim and I snorkeled.  Ani came out and snorkeled for the second dive. On the drive back from this secluded beach, we saw a road runner and then a Mexican Bobcat.  It was so so cool.  I have seen bobcat tracks before in my life, but never a bobcat.  sweetness.

So this is the bay where the snorkeling is so good at the point. The above photo is out the coast to the left of Ani at the end of the point you see above Ani's shoulder.  There is a restaurant just in front of Ani that has great nachos and margaritas....

Last weekend in Astoria was very stormy and I love arts and crafts on a stormy weekend....

The only thing missing from this photo is Louis.  The dogs are keeping Ani company while she is in bed on the third floor...

Mic DROP

Hi All.  I have been gone from my BLOG for a long time.  The big news is that Ani got her ultimate job!  She will start as Park Ranger at Dead Horse State Park in Moab UT.  Moab is Ani's happy place.  This job comes with free housing and utilities. All the Park Rangers live in one spot within the park.  It has epic Mt Biking and hiking and she is so excited.  Love you. I can't really believe you are still checking into this. I might continue writing...

fare thee well my honey, fare thee well

After we all put a handful of Laura into the mighty Columbia River, i tossed an extra handful for Taeryn, Luke, Silas, Elaina and Madeline...

I danced so hard in bad shoes last night.  My left heal actually hurts...

ashes to ashes dust to ...

I am seeing both a therapist/counselor, Sarah von Coldvits, she is amazing, as well as a healer/reiki master/bowenwork aura feeler and general shaman named Kendra. Since Kendra said I should walk amongst the forests and streams I wanted to walk around our Knappa land.  On a bit of a whim, I checked in with Ani and Tim to see if they were cool with me taking Laura's ashes to Knappa and doing the first opening of them on my own in the intimacy of the woods the stream and myself.

I was pretty much blindsided by how powerful my emotions were at opening her  ashes and putting my hand inside the bag of Laura's earthly remains.  If you saw the amazing TED talk I posted last time, you'll get the pic below.

I like how a little bit of Laura is there above Big Creek with cedars, big leaf maples and alders. After crying hard, I had oysters for lunch with my friend Nancy and then John W. came by the house as I was moving wood around. It was good to be with people.

I feel like I am too much at times. I cry and talk deep and those Im with cry and listen. It is hard, but the processing and talking sure helps me. Maybe not my friends since they cry too but thats what friends are for.

Sunday, some of our closest friends are coming over in the late afternoon and the kids, our friends and I are bringing Laura's ashes down to the beach on the columbia right below our house. We will have a little ceremony. I will cry and then we will come back to the house and have some snacks and look at pictures...  I think there is a barn holiday party Ill try to go to as well tomorrow.  I know there are some of you in Seattle who want to help spread Laura's ashes too. Its a big box and you can come and I will accompany you to one of Laura's chosen places. It is important to Ani and I that we start doing this. We will probably bring Laura out to the beach on christmas as well...

Ani pretty much aced her last exam and is now done with her undergrad degree! So proud of her.  We will have to celebrate her next week once she actually gets a passing grade, but she got 100% on the multiple choice section of the test and will always ace any writing sections since she is like her mom and the best writer I know. Yay Ani! (oh ya, sorry Ani, Im not supposed to talk about you... two blogs in a row too. my bad...)

oh friends you're holding me/us above water

I am so damn greatful (this time the spelling is on purpose- for once) for you. for you who are reading this. for you who don't even know that i write at times. for you for holding me close and telling me its ok to feel...  to feel happy... to feel sad... to cry... to laugh... to want... to just be.  Im so darn lucky for the people I work with. I am at work more than anywhere else and even though im da boss man, you let me talk and rant and weep and be truthful. Laura and I settled in the Columbia River estuary region with the hippies and hipsters and those that felt a deep connection to the earth and the energy here. Now this community is holding me/us up; holding our heads above the pull of the tide...

The above is ink Ani got for Laura and her store Lucy's Books on the Thursday after she died. On the Thursday before the memorial service/celebration of life thing.

This is the ink Ami H. got a couple weeks ago. It's not finished. She will go back this weekend and get color...  Our people Love Laura so. I still can't quite get a tattoo...  I am not sure why. Maybe its the jew in me that rubbed off of Laura and my upbringing that just cant quite do the tattoo thing.  Maybe its im still afraid of the fbi...  I don't know... I might though some day but i might not too...

We are still having "family" dinner each week with the Posy of girl friends. I think we laughed harder and longer this past week than we have before...

There are people here in Astoria that I am leaning on big time...  Super close old friends and super close people who we have known forever but I'm just getting to know all over again.

Part of my Therapy homework this week is to spend time in the rain forest and rivers of our region as well as do a "free write" where I let Laura into me and let her dictate a letter to me from her with me writing it...  I am always up for a walk along Big Creek in the squishy rain forest we live in but the letter from Laura to me will be a bit of a challenge.

Laura's first cousin Ann Dee sent me a thumb drive with music on it. Im listening to it now. Its pretty rad.  One of my all time favorite songs is on the play list- I like you so much better when you'r naked...  there have been so many gestures of love from so many people...  A friend from 7th grade and high school, Suzie and I have just started emailing and it is so deep reconnecting with people from so long ago...  Dawn, Melany, Caryn and Solveig have all been there too and I cherish my old dear friends so.

And one last thing, we still have family dinners each night. They fill my soul. For the past week, we have laughed and lingered over dinner and talked and been here for eachother.  Just one more kid pic (no I am totally lying, I will continue to post a pic or two of my smart, kind and wonderful family)

Thank you for being here for us. For taking care of us when we didn't think we needed taking care of. For doing what is right and good even though I didn't know what I needed. Love love love

oh and if you want to get inside my head a little more, here is a ted talk that Sarah and Terry W. posted:

https://www.ted.com/talks/nora_mcinerny_we_don_t_move_on_from_grief_we_move_forward_with_it?language=en

Dec. 7

Today was good.  I put up Christmas stuff and spent several hours with Joey B.  Joey and I walked all around a Christmas tree farm on Youngs River and talked and talked and looked at trees and had a lovely time.  I dropped her off and popped into see Ron and Lucille D.  They sent me home with chilli and beans which I made nachos with when I got hone,  We all devoured the nachos.

I did something brave or at least outside my comfort zone last night.  I tried out for a play in Astoria.  I actually read out load something I did not know in front of other people.  Since Im dyslexic, reading out loud in front of others just triggers stuff from grade school and kids making fun of me...  But it went fine. I almost really liked it...  But I did it and I am proud.  I am trying to be good to myself and those around me. I am also trying to reach out and do new things.

Setting up the Christmas/Hanukkah/Holiday stuff was actually good and felt grounded.  When the kids were little, setting up the tree and decorating the house was a big thing. But in the last half dozen years its kinda been me or me and Laura hanging up a few things before a nap. Luckily, Ani, hung up a few ornaments before we walked the dogs so I didn't do everything myself.  (thats not really talking about Ani... Just sayin)   And it was so fun blasting Pandora "A Very Special Christmas" mix and hanging ornaments on my ivy and around the house.  Last year, I bought a living Norfolk Pine (which is actually native to HI but is named Norfolk... stupid white men must have named that one) which is in a pot and we are using it as our tree again this year.  It is pretty small and weak but its growing.  As I was decorating, I was wondering why touching all there things we all touch every year isn't making me cry. And it slowly dawned on me that I have been doing all the holiday stuff for several years now and I just love decorations and everything...  It wasn't until the Bruce Springsteen version of Santa Clause is Coming to Town came on stupid Pandora that I totally broke down balling...  I knew I would cry and I am happy it was Bruce that was the catalyst.

I hung Laura's stocking up under her ashes.  A friend is making a container/urn thing to put Laura's ashes in soon. I don't think I've said on here what we are doing with her ashes: Laura and I talked a lot about this. She wants some on the little Alderbrook Beach below our house. Its the beach where many of the river beach dog pics are from and we swam there too. Its lovely.  Some ashes at parkinglot B beach in Fort Stevens State Park at the mouth of the Columbia River.  Laura said,"Fine, if you really want to put some of me in Knappa, fine. Just a little though." So I will put some out on our Knappa land on Big Creek.  Then the rest goes to the cemetery plot in Sweden, Maine below my Mom's house. But last spring, Laura asked if I would not burry her there until I was there too since she felt like she would be lonely. I said yes of course. Would you like me to show new girl friends your ashes? and she said yes of course! I hope I scare them!!!  Haha  thats my sweet wife.

This is the little shrine we have for Laura and her stocking

Laura made the little wool and felt dude between the horses