One year

For those who don't read Facebook this is what I posted yeasterday:

Today is the one year anniversary of finding out Laura has metastatic breast cancer.  With cancer throughout her lungs, liver and lymph nodes, I did not think I would be celebrating this day, but she is not only alive but well.  Thank you big pharma!!!  Her diagnosis was a week before Ani graduated from AHS and two weeks before Laura graduated from CCC with her Medical Assisting degree.  As of a few months ago, there was still no evidence of disease in her last scans. (Next scan results June 9 but whose counting)  The chemo and now two biologic drugs which bind to her type of HER 2 positive breast cancer seem to be keeping it at bay right now.

Like every school year, this past one has flown by.  I can’t believe it’s June next Monday, but at the same time I cannot remember life before my wife had cancer.  I do not think of the future besides my kids and students.  I try to cherish each day but find myself falling back into routines where I spend too much time outside gardening and such and not enough time with Laura.  I think we are doing well as a couple.  We talk. We walk the dogs and actually go on mini dates together- like driving to a track meet or going to Portland together to pick up Ani from the airport.

But cancer is always right there; lurking and stealing my thoughts of retiring and driving the country with Laura in a converted toyota van visiting our kids and walking the dogs on different beaches. (Or more accurately, figuring out what city to get an appartment in and give Laura some city life that she has given up for the country life in Clatsop County.)  It takes the wind out of you.  At times, I am mad and frustrated and maybe swear too much.  I will work on the swearing.  At times I’m too upbeat and positive and Pollyanna.  I’ll always remember a year ago today when Dr. Raish came into the room and said the good news is that there are no mets or cancer in your bones, and I turned to Laura and said, ”See, it’s OK!” but then Dr. Raish said he was not finished…

I have bought cemetery plots.  So strange.  A lot of times, I feel shaky and am not sure why.  I feel like Laura is living on borrowed time and want to make the most out of it.  The reality is we really don’t know.  While the infusions she gets every three weeks- which cost over $30,000 each time (thank you Moda Insurance Plan- I will never complain about my copay again)- we just don’t know how long they will continue to work or conversely what new wonder drug is in the works.  I am starting, just starting, to understand how to live with uncertainty of the the future.  While we all know we will die, not many have an idea like Laura of how. I’m not sure what I want to say here, today, but to celebrate Laura being alive and to promise myself and family that I will be as present as I can and continue to enjoy each moment.  The little things really do matter.  I love our family, our house, our community, and our friends.  Thank you for everyone being there for us.  Even in the face of stupid cancer, I find that more than not, all I can do is smile smile smile.

Spring

As you know it has again been a long time between posts.  Laura continues to do well; Ani is thriving at Occidental and Tim keeps going at Astoria high school!  It's track season so Tim is running the longer track races.  He just got a personal best and broke the 5 minute mark on the 1500 m race last Saturday.  He ran it in 4:50!

Mom and Dad were out from maine for a week.  We ate well and went on some nice dog walks!  Here are some pics:

March 1

Well it's been forever since I posted on my blog.  First and foremost, today is Tim's birthday! He's 17 years old. I find it hard to believe that I have a 17-year-old and a 19-year-old. We will have pancakes and strawberries and whipped cream for breakfast and then go out to dinner somewhere and watch the movie whiplash here at home tonight. Should be a good day.

Laura is doing well. She starts a new job on Monday. She should be working about 16 hours a week as a medical assistant at Columbia memorial hospital. She will be generally working full days on Wednesdays and Thursdays so wish her luck in getting up in the morning and packing a lunch. She can keep her disability payments for at least nine months as work try elk (I am using voice recognition to dictate this and making changes as I read it over but this mistake is too good to change!!  Also you will notice my phone is a better speller than I am!!!) and then she'll either take on more hours or ensure that she has the right number of hours to both work and keep her disability payments. March 17 is the next set of scan results so we are patiently waiting to find out the results there.

For Hanukkah Laura's brother Richard gave her a trip to Europe both her parents and my parents also chipped in so as long as the scans are clean Laura will be booking a airplane tickets to England and France for the summer. It's been so fun thinking about where we want to go and planning out a vacation.

As usual I am doing just fine. The weather has been mild enough to do some gardening and I've just come back from a ski weekend in Sun Valley with my cousin Tim and my friend Pete from the East Coast. Well there wasn't any new snow there was enough snow and we had a blast. Here are a couple photos of life in the Northwest.

Kale that has over wintered that we are eating and is so good!

Laura's eyes

Poor Laura!  Just as she is feeling pretty good and even brushing off her resume to try to get a job she gets these terrible rashes around her eyes.  They have been showing up a day or two after each infusion and lasting 10 to 14 days.  She gets infusions every three weeks so she gets a week without it.  This has been going on since September it seems.

Happy new year

Laura is having an infusion on New Year's Eve.  I brought pancakes and tea for her!  We are having a fun long vacation. The kids and I are not driving Laura or eachother too crazy!  Hope you all are well. 

Happy thanksgiving!!

It's been forever since I posted.  We are doing well. Here is asynopses:

Laura:  it's been over four weeks since Laura's last and final taxotere chemo.  Just last weekend she said she actually felt ok at night!  She had her two biologicals a week ago today which made her sleepy but not too bad.  She has open cuts on four out of five finger tips from the chemo.  Her eyes are watering so much that there is some ick under her right eye.  Little mouse fuzz hair is starting to grow back more and it's so soft!  In general her spirits and how she is feeling is on the rise.

Tim:  thriving.  Just put new speakers in his/Ani's car which he loves.  Cross country went well and he is loving his welding class at Clatsop community college. 

Ani is home right now.  She just loves occidental college!   It's wonderful having her home

Jon:  I am lucky to love my job.  I am excited about how well Laura responded to the chemo but it is hard to get excited because I don't want to get my hopes up  too much.   Don't get me wrong it is amazing the rumors have shrunk so much.  I just sure hope they continue to stay small!!!

Laura's brother Richard, his man Fajar, daughter Rose and random friend are coming for thanksgivings!  

My cousins Tim and Kathryn visited from hailey Idaho last weekend which was great!  Here are some pics:

Chemo in Astoria.

Laura has just started her herceptin infusion in Astoria.  It took over 3 weeks but she finally is able to do infusions here in Astoria which is great!  She swam this morning and I worked until 1230 and. Will go back to the office later too!