oh friends you're holding me/us above water

I am so damn greatful (this time the spelling is on purpose- for once) for you. for you who are reading this. for you who don't even know that i write at times. for you for holding me close and telling me its ok to feel...  to feel happy... to feel sad... to cry... to laugh... to want... to just be.  Im so darn lucky for the people I work with. I am at work more than anywhere else and even though im da boss man, you let me talk and rant and weep and be truthful. Laura and I settled in the Columbia River estuary region with the hippies and hipsters and those that felt a deep connection to the earth and the energy here. Now this community is holding me/us up; holding our heads above the pull of the tide...

The above is ink Ani got for Laura and her store Lucy's Books on the Thursday after she died. On the Thursday before the memorial service/celebration of life thing.

This is the ink Ami H. got a couple weeks ago. It's not finished. She will go back this weekend and get color...  Our people Love Laura so. I still can't quite get a tattoo...  I am not sure why. Maybe its the jew in me that rubbed off of Laura and my upbringing that just cant quite do the tattoo thing.  Maybe its im still afraid of the fbi...  I don't know... I might though some day but i might not too...

We are still having "family" dinner each week with the Posy of girl friends. I think we laughed harder and longer this past week than we have before...

There are people here in Astoria that I am leaning on big time...  Super close old friends and super close people who we have known forever but I'm just getting to know all over again.

Part of my Therapy homework this week is to spend time in the rain forest and rivers of our region as well as do a "free write" where I let Laura into me and let her dictate a letter to me from her with me writing it...  I am always up for a walk along Big Creek in the squishy rain forest we live in but the letter from Laura to me will be a bit of a challenge.

Laura's first cousin Ann Dee sent me a thumb drive with music on it. Im listening to it now. Its pretty rad.  One of my all time favorite songs is on the play list- I like you so much better when you'r naked...  there have been so many gestures of love from so many people...  A friend from 7th grade and high school, Suzie and I have just started emailing and it is so deep reconnecting with people from so long ago...  Dawn, Melany, Caryn and Solveig have all been there too and I cherish my old dear friends so.

And one last thing, we still have family dinners each night. They fill my soul. For the past week, we have laughed and lingered over dinner and talked and been here for eachother.  Just one more kid pic (no I am totally lying, I will continue to post a pic or two of my smart, kind and wonderful family)

Thank you for being here for us. For taking care of us when we didn't think we needed taking care of. For doing what is right and good even though I didn't know what I needed. Love love love

oh and if you want to get inside my head a little more, here is a ted talk that Sarah and Terry W. posted:

https://www.ted.com/talks/nora_mcinerny_we_don_t_move_on_from_grief_we_move_forward_with_it?language=en

Dec. 7

Today was good.  I put up Christmas stuff and spent several hours with Joey B.  Joey and I walked all around a Christmas tree farm on Youngs River and talked and talked and looked at trees and had a lovely time.  I dropped her off and popped into see Ron and Lucille D.  They sent me home with chilli and beans which I made nachos with when I got hone,  We all devoured the nachos.

I did something brave or at least outside my comfort zone last night.  I tried out for a play in Astoria.  I actually read out load something I did not know in front of other people.  Since Im dyslexic, reading out loud in front of others just triggers stuff from grade school and kids making fun of me...  But it went fine. I almost really liked it...  But I did it and I am proud.  I am trying to be good to myself and those around me. I am also trying to reach out and do new things.

Setting up the Christmas/Hanukkah/Holiday stuff was actually good and felt grounded.  When the kids were little, setting up the tree and decorating the house was a big thing. But in the last half dozen years its kinda been me or me and Laura hanging up a few things before a nap. Luckily, Ani, hung up a few ornaments before we walked the dogs so I didn't do everything myself.  (thats not really talking about Ani... Just sayin)   And it was so fun blasting Pandora "A Very Special Christmas" mix and hanging ornaments on my ivy and around the house.  Last year, I bought a living Norfolk Pine (which is actually native to HI but is named Norfolk... stupid white men must have named that one) which is in a pot and we are using it as our tree again this year.  It is pretty small and weak but its growing.  As I was decorating, I was wondering why touching all there things we all touch every year isn't making me cry. And it slowly dawned on me that I have been doing all the holiday stuff for several years now and I just love decorations and everything...  It wasn't until the Bruce Springsteen version of Santa Clause is Coming to Town came on stupid Pandora that I totally broke down balling...  I knew I would cry and I am happy it was Bruce that was the catalyst.

I hung Laura's stocking up under her ashes.  A friend is making a container/urn thing to put Laura's ashes in soon. I don't think I've said on here what we are doing with her ashes: Laura and I talked a lot about this. She wants some on the little Alderbrook Beach below our house. Its the beach where many of the river beach dog pics are from and we swam there too. Its lovely.  Some ashes at parkinglot B beach in Fort Stevens State Park at the mouth of the Columbia River.  Laura said,"Fine, if you really want to put some of me in Knappa, fine. Just a little though." So I will put some out on our Knappa land on Big Creek.  Then the rest goes to the cemetery plot in Sweden, Maine below my Mom's house. But last spring, Laura asked if I would not burry her there until I was there too since she felt like she would be lonely. I said yes of course. Would you like me to show new girl friends your ashes? and she said yes of course! I hope I scare them!!!  Haha  thats my sweet wife.

This is the little shrine we have for Laura and her stocking

Laura made the little wool and felt dude between the horses

3 months

Tomorrow, Friday December 6th, will be three months since Laura died.  It feels like another life time ago that she was alive. That Ani and I and Tim and the dogs and friends held vidil in our room and were with her as she slipped from here to there. I have so many memories and feelings about Laura but it seems like so so long ago.  And only three months.  I have a close friend who is just over three months pregnant and I feel like she should have had a baby ages ago if she got pregnant around the time Laura died. Its kind of a trip...

We are all here.  I am re kindling old friendships which is good.  But I'm just kinda numb. I'll write more at some point. I just don't feel it today...  I can't really believe that there are still a handful of people checking in on this blog thing...

Thanksgiving

I was totally patting myself on the back yesterday afternoon about how well I was doing and that I totally had this holiday thing down...  Then after a sauna and everyone went to bed, i just lost it. I cried so hard and so long just saying I miss you over and over. I felt Laura there in my lap as I cried. I went outside to cry. Frost was and still is on the ground and I cried outside in bare feet and my jammies for an hour and a half until i was too bone chillingly cold I had to come in and drink water and go to bed.

I fell into a whole of grief and sorry that I have been diligently walking around. I have a very well worn path around this hole of sorry within me. I guess i need to look into it a bit more before I try to cover it up.  The hole will always be there and i guess I need to find a way to build a bridge over it or handrails next to it so I don't fall in unexpectedly but so I can also visit the hole and look in...

So everyone if fine. thanksgiving was lovely and the food was great. No surprise there, Ani made three pies cause two is not enough: pumpkin, pumpkin cheese cake and chocolate pecan/walnut pie (we ran out of pecans... and Ani thought chocolate chips were a better idea than cranberries)

Kathryn has this habit of sending us flowers for thanksgiving.  She is pretty kind and nice.

We went out and heard some good music Wed. night in hopping downtown Astoria.

community

I and we, as in Laura and I, have always been big believers in it takes a community to raise a kid or children. Ani and Tim ran wild in down town Astoria after school when they walked or bused to Lucy's Books.  And now I'm finding that our whole community is taking care of the kids and I. It totally takes a community to help us morn and see the light of day. Thank you all for holding my kids and I close.

I am donating some fruit trees, bulbs, and native pollinators to a sweet farm near us where Laura loved to go.  The farm is 46 North.  It is a peaceful and lovely place to go.  We feel close to both the owners and the people who go their for a connection to the land.

This weekend was good and I cried hard and I saw two pairs of hooded mergansers and I walked with friends and I danced like no one was watching... Just to let you know, I will not be writing anything more about my kids. This is too public. I get that...  Happy Thanksgiving week.

Wednesday night

Good evening. For the past six or eight weeks, I have had dinner with friends every Wednesday night.  It is a lovely mid week break and good to spend time with loving friends. I am happy to report that Mia's back is doing a lot better. She gets a pain and anti inflammation pill every day and it has helped her a lot. She can't jump up onto anything, but she is happier and plays with Louis a lot more.

Tim continues to do well which warms my heart. Ani is struggling with what I imagine to be many demons- like graduating from college, turning 24 and the loss of Mom...

I love Thanksgiving. Danny Graves is coming down from Western WA University which will be a hoot. Although we probably can't go surfing/boogie boarding since he broke his jaw 4-6 weeks ago, it will still be great to hang with him. He said he can eat scrambled eggs, mashed potatoes and sauces.  Plus we have a bitchin' blender that Julia has loaned/given us which will make a yummy Thanksgiving dinner smoothy for him.  John and Rachel Whisler will also come over I think.

I have had moments where I feel like I can breath. Where I feel sun on my face and I feel human. Those are also followed by a general malaise and deep sadness.  I am making some new friends- people in the community that I have always liked but have not known well. It is fun and good.  I still cry most days.  I talk to Laura every night.  I have a super annoying habit of saying goodnight like 5-10 times. It drove Laura bonkers as I was falling asleep and she was reading, but I still say good night honey too many times.  Louis sometimes licks me but more often than not ignore me. Mia has taken full advantage of Mom being gone and now sleeps under the covers- dont judge, she just does.

My work is fine. Still pretty busy and I do love everyone I work with which is a huge bonus. I am taking Wed-Friday off next week. Lots of cooking, dog walks and such.  Peace all you beautiful people still managing to read this blather of one day at a time.

I actually have tried to make the world spin faster with my super powers. You know- make time move by faster...  I think its working since it sure is dark earlier at night and later in the morning these days...

Ani's 24th birthday today

OK, I planned the photos after the blog post, but I guess they will be first... This blog structure is not really supported anymore and is pretty glitchy.

on a field trip to OSU with high school students...

Mom lured me up to her house with Lobster if I get there by 6 pm... I drove fast! it was so good!!!

I've always loved british red caps. Or at least that is what I learned these fungi/lichen to be...

I have a habit of adding stones to the stone garden when I am in maine.

view from Mom's deck in Sweden Maine.

crabbing with Lars

Ani turned 24 today. It's kinda hard. She is fine- you know fine- Fucked up, insecure, neurotic, and emotional. Thats my words not hers, but she might agree. Its more like she is living at home (and its a sweet home with love and yet a big hole) not sure whats up for the future and just trying to get through every day.

I am posting this somewhat maudlin post with honesty. We are mostly good.  Big news is that Tim spend the last 5 days cleaning and vacuuming and organizing the entire garage with is huge. I totally have hoarder instinks and bring stuff home from the beach and streets and yard sales of life. He threw out lots and organizing tons and has made the garage sparkly and clean. He wants to start working on his 1988 chevy van he bought a few years ago. It is good.  He is really trying to move forward. He continues to mountain bike more days than not. He has found some sweet trails he loves just a short bike from our house up in the forest lands near us. We (Ani, Louis, Mia and I) are really happy to see him doing things and being proactive.

Ani got back from her journey to the Southwest a week ago. She cut her trip a bit short since she broke a small bone in her left foot and a doctor told her to stop biking and hiking for 6 weeks. She was out for two solid weeks of camping and biking on her own. I think she could have lasted another week at the most since it was already in the teens and twenties at night and her water was slushy and frozen in the morning.  She had a blast. She broke her foot on the same trail she did a wild face plant crash two years ago in Fruita Colorado. As she says, I didnt even brake my foot, just a hairline fracture! She is a beast and so strong and good. just a rough patch which life throws at us all.

I'm fine too. Some good days. Some hard days. I have a new habit of crying on my way to work. its stupid. sorry to be so honest. I do adore my counselor and see her every week. She is grounding and good. I asked her today if I am doing counseling correctly since all i do is just talk. She said yes...

I crabbed this weekend with my buddy Lars.  So we have been eating crab.  Crab is good.  Dogs are good. Weather has been lovely yet getting darker and darker.

I had a wonderful trip to Maine and Mass. Saw lots of friends and did lots of yard work for Mom. Below are some photos from the last month.  I will continue to try to update this blog thing, but I have lost momentum. I feel like it is me whining and no one needs more whining in life...

Laura's college room mate and gang in college. It was a trip hanging out with them for a night. We lit a lantern that floated up over the Atlantic and we said good things about Laura.  Good people