community

I and we, as in Laura and I, have always been big believers in it takes a community to raise a kid or children. Ani and Tim ran wild in down town Astoria after school when they walked or bused to Lucy's Books.  And now I'm finding that our whole community is taking care of the kids and I. It totally takes a community to help us morn and see the light of day. Thank you all for holding my kids and I close.

I am donating some fruit trees, bulbs, and native pollinators to a sweet farm near us where Laura loved to go.  The farm is 46 North.  It is a peaceful and lovely place to go.  We feel close to both the owners and the people who go their for a connection to the land.

This weekend was good and I cried hard and I saw two pairs of hooded mergansers and I walked with friends and I danced like no one was watching... Just to let you know, I will not be writing anything more about my kids. This is too public. I get that...  Happy Thanksgiving week.

Wednesday night

Good evening. For the past six or eight weeks, I have had dinner with friends every Wednesday night.  It is a lovely mid week break and good to spend time with loving friends. I am happy to report that Mia's back is doing a lot better. She gets a pain and anti inflammation pill every day and it has helped her a lot. She can't jump up onto anything, but she is happier and plays with Louis a lot more.

Tim continues to do well which warms my heart. Ani is struggling with what I imagine to be many demons- like graduating from college, turning 24 and the loss of Mom...

I love Thanksgiving. Danny Graves is coming down from Western WA University which will be a hoot. Although we probably can't go surfing/boogie boarding since he broke his jaw 4-6 weeks ago, it will still be great to hang with him. He said he can eat scrambled eggs, mashed potatoes and sauces.  Plus we have a bitchin' blender that Julia has loaned/given us which will make a yummy Thanksgiving dinner smoothy for him.  John and Rachel Whisler will also come over I think.

I have had moments where I feel like I can breath. Where I feel sun on my face and I feel human. Those are also followed by a general malaise and deep sadness.  I am making some new friends- people in the community that I have always liked but have not known well. It is fun and good.  I still cry most days.  I talk to Laura every night.  I have a super annoying habit of saying goodnight like 5-10 times. It drove Laura bonkers as I was falling asleep and she was reading, but I still say good night honey too many times.  Louis sometimes licks me but more often than not ignore me. Mia has taken full advantage of Mom being gone and now sleeps under the covers- dont judge, she just does.

My work is fine. Still pretty busy and I do love everyone I work with which is a huge bonus. I am taking Wed-Friday off next week. Lots of cooking, dog walks and such.  Peace all you beautiful people still managing to read this blather of one day at a time.

I actually have tried to make the world spin faster with my super powers. You know- make time move by faster...  I think its working since it sure is dark earlier at night and later in the morning these days...

Ani's 24th birthday today

OK, I planned the photos after the blog post, but I guess they will be first... This blog structure is not really supported anymore and is pretty glitchy.

on a field trip to OSU with high school students...

Mom lured me up to her house with Lobster if I get there by 6 pm... I drove fast! it was so good!!!

I've always loved british red caps. Or at least that is what I learned these fungi/lichen to be...

I have a habit of adding stones to the stone garden when I am in maine.

view from Mom's deck in Sweden Maine.

crabbing with Lars

Ani turned 24 today. It's kinda hard. She is fine- you know fine- Fucked up, insecure, neurotic, and emotional. Thats my words not hers, but she might agree. Its more like she is living at home (and its a sweet home with love and yet a big hole) not sure whats up for the future and just trying to get through every day.

I am posting this somewhat maudlin post with honesty. We are mostly good.  Big news is that Tim spend the last 5 days cleaning and vacuuming and organizing the entire garage with is huge. I totally have hoarder instinks and bring stuff home from the beach and streets and yard sales of life. He threw out lots and organizing tons and has made the garage sparkly and clean. He wants to start working on his 1988 chevy van he bought a few years ago. It is good.  He is really trying to move forward. He continues to mountain bike more days than not. He has found some sweet trails he loves just a short bike from our house up in the forest lands near us. We (Ani, Louis, Mia and I) are really happy to see him doing things and being proactive.

Ani got back from her journey to the Southwest a week ago. She cut her trip a bit short since she broke a small bone in her left foot and a doctor told her to stop biking and hiking for 6 weeks. She was out for two solid weeks of camping and biking on her own. I think she could have lasted another week at the most since it was already in the teens and twenties at night and her water was slushy and frozen in the morning.  She had a blast. She broke her foot on the same trail she did a wild face plant crash two years ago in Fruita Colorado. As she says, I didnt even brake my foot, just a hairline fracture! She is a beast and so strong and good. just a rough patch which life throws at us all.

I'm fine too. Some good days. Some hard days. I have a new habit of crying on my way to work. its stupid. sorry to be so honest. I do adore my counselor and see her every week. She is grounding and good. I asked her today if I am doing counseling correctly since all i do is just talk. She said yes...

I crabbed this weekend with my buddy Lars.  So we have been eating crab.  Crab is good.  Dogs are good. Weather has been lovely yet getting darker and darker.

I had a wonderful trip to Maine and Mass. Saw lots of friends and did lots of yard work for Mom. Below are some photos from the last month.  I will continue to try to update this blog thing, but I have lost momentum. I feel like it is me whining and no one needs more whining in life...

Laura's college room mate and gang in college. It was a trip hanging out with them for a night. We lit a lantern that floated up over the Atlantic and we said good things about Laura.  Good people

Laura's old blog

I am not sure why I didn't send this out while Laura was alive, but I kinda assumed everyone knew she did a cancer blog...  I read a lot of it last night.  If you do not know, her last post of Sept. of 2017.

http://laurasnyderupdates.blogspot.com/

check it out...  love you all.  It's a lovely day and Im off to walk the dogs.

fine fine

All is ok. Tim is loving his mountain bike. He is riding most days. Usually just bikes from home and goes up into the forest lands and there are so many small trails people maintain off the main logging and other gravel roads up there. He loves exploring and checking the area out.

Ani has packed her Subaru up and is leaving for Moab Utah tomorrow morning. She hopes to get 600-800 miles in tomorrow and then get to Moab for bouldering and mountain biking in the sun by Thursday. She will sleep in her car and has a camp stove for cooking and coffee. She has a foam pad in the back of the Subaru and her bike fits in there too.  She is sad but doing ok. She is taking one online geology class and should graduate PSU in Dec. I bet she will be home in a couple weeks since it is getting actually cold at night in the mountain west.

I am going to work and slowly doing some deep cleaning of the house and rooms. I haven't even thought about clean Laura's things out, Im just organizing them. I have to do a better job with all the paper work. Like our amazon prime account is in her name but I will get to that at some point.

I am excited to fly to Boston on Saturday oct 26 and then back to Oregon the next Sat. nov 2 I think. It will be good to go east for a bit. That's all folks. we are fine.  Just trying to figure this life thing out.

We are OK

We have made it past the 4 week, one month and even 5 weeks past Laura died.  Every Friday, Ani and I and others (Rachel's work alarm clock goes off at the time I called her on Friday Sept. 6 to tell her Laura passed) think of Lauras passing.

It has been a beautiful weekend and I have played with my gardens and yard most of the weekend. Art walk, music and dancing last night. I went out with John and Rachel W. They left me to dance away the night at Holiday Friends at the end of the evening.  Israel Nebeker (lead singer for Blind Pilot) sang a set at a new black box theater in Astoria. It was lovely.

Tim has bought a mountain bike and he and Ani have gone biking together and he has been out on his own this weekend. He is really happy about the bike and it is such a good thing for him!  I feel like a cloak has lifted seeing Tim happy. Ani and I had a big long joint cry together Friday night. It was the first time both of us were crying together. It was kinda sweet.

I have been doing a stupid diet since Oct.1. Its called whole 30. basically just meat, potatoes, veggies and nuts. NO sugar, grains (corn), dairy (eggs are allowed since they are not really dairy at all but fowl) alcohol or fun. No, fun is still allowed on the diet. Its a good reset for me.  It will actually only be Whole 26 since I am flying east on Oct. 26 and will stop my diet while on vacation. Some of Laura's college room mates and friends are gathering to tell stories about her on Oct 26 which Im crashing and then Ill see my Mom and friends.

My work team was honored by the Astoria School District as an important community partner.

The dogs are OK. Louis has recovered from his raccoon incident but he now lets Mia take the lead in night time forays into the yard

My red poppies self seed throughout the garden and this is an example of the third bloom, die, reseed and bloom again in the garden this summer. We often get two sets of blooms but this is the first year we have gotten three blooms.

more nothing to say

As advertised, I don't really have anything to say. I just looked and that is how I started the last post. I have done things like fold my own laundry for the first time. I admit that I bought a six pack of underwear on Amazon which gave me one more week of not doing laundry!  Laura liked folding cloths. Or maybe she really didn't like the way I folded clothes, but what ever the reason she always folded the clothes. I would often carry laundry around and start and change laundry around but Laura would always fold the laundry in front of the tv at night.

I haven't been watching any tv either besides Timbers soccer games. I will catch a baseball game during the playoffs. Im sure I'll check out some Patriots at some point as well. I go to bed between 9-10 but I am able to sleep again. Lucky me.  I wake up super early but that's fine with me. Ani isn't sleeping much.

Ani and I went to a little brew fest Friday night and it was wicked fun. I danced like a mad man and she talked to all kinds of my friends.  She even said,"Dad you have some really fun friends. Where have you been hiding them."  Haha.  Ya Ani I do have fun friends. How strange huh?!

Louis got the crap beat out of him by a raccoon a week ago. I heard him barking and then he was screaming and yelping. I ran outside in the pitch dark and kicked the raccoon off him and he ran towards the house and the darn raccoon jumped him again and I had to kick it off him a second time! I did take him to the vet the next day and while his rabies shot was up to date, they gave him a second one and antibiotics.  He had a couple dozen puncture wounds on his butt and back legs.  Poor boy.  The night he get jumped, he came inside and trembled on Ani's lap for a long time.

Both kids have been sick but are both on the mend. Ani got signed up for her last upper division geology class. Its an online class through UO and she will graduate with her degree in December as long as she passes! Its a geologic hazards class which is actually fun stuff as long as you like earthquakes, tsunamis, volcanoes, land slides and such. So cool!

I guess this work week has been harder than others. I had to pull my car over cause I was crying so hard after a meeting on Monday. I ended up going directly to the gym at Clatsop CC and took the rest of the afternoon off. It's just a bit lonely and sad around this corner of the world.

I have started doing the death paper work- getting Laura's name off stuff. It's stupid. Social Security Administration not only wants an original death certificate, but an original birth certificate and an original marriage licence! So Stupid.  Laura's Mom, Barbara, was so kind and went to the City of Springfield MA and got a new Birth Certificate for me!  I doing this, I unearthed passports of Laura and I when we were 23 and 22 respectively. Below is a photo of them:

Louis right after the mean raccoon mugged him and bite up his hind legs and butt.

Proof that the sun is still setting in the west.

Oh one cool thing is that Ani left home yesterday morning at 2:50 am and picked up her wingperson, Annik, and they climbed Saddle Mountain in the dark.  They got to the top a long time before sunrise and watched the stars from a moonless sky high in the Oregon Coast Range and saw shooting starts as well as an alien spaceship.  Then sunrise was amazing. Here is a taste of it below: