she's so tough and strong

This afternoon, Laura coughed 4 or so times. She hasn't coughed at all up till then. She really started gasping and having very labored breaths but after 30-40 minutes she evened out. We have her on her side. She is breathing shallowly yet regularly.

Sitting in this bedroom day in and day out just feel surreal and normal at the same time. Ani and I have spent so much time together. The hot sun and breeze feels so good blowing and glowing through the room, but they are foreign when I step outside. The world just keeps spinning.  And bills just keep coming. I paid bills in bed for the first time...

just resting

Last night Laura's breathing and apnea really changed. Around midnight to 130 am she would pause 30-40 seconds between breaths. She was still and not moving and then take a big breath after what seemed like forever in the darkness of night. Then a bit past 130 she made a huge grown and started to twitch and shake (which is pretty normal for her now) and started breathing shallowly but regularly. 

Then at about 5:30 am she was as awake and aware as she has been in a while. Her eyes were open and I asked if she was warm enough (she just had a flannel sheet on) and she said yes. I asked her if she was in pain and she said I don't know. Then I told her it was ok to let go and move on to the next adventure and she said I can't. She is so fierce and strong. Oh my.  I also said I love you and she said I know.

spotify play list

Morning. Laura had a pretty restful night. Her breathing is much more relaxed and calmer than it has been so I was actually able to sleep last night too which feels really good.

Below is a link to a Spotify Playlist that Ani has put together. It is Mom's favorite songs and we have been playing it a lot. She occasionally smiles with a song or even hums along or tries to sing a little. I thought that those of you with a spotify account might want to listen to what Laura is listening to.  Its the basic classic rock mix with Laura's own stamp of approval on it.

If you don't have spotify, you can sign up for free, but thats up to you...

https://open.spotify.com/user/anigraves/playlist/6ZFtf0hUyei0faJbfm0b3k?si=ldTkx6o8

dgos and cuddles and pictures

Here are pictures from last night and today. I want to emphasize the dogs and how they are always right here with Laura. One is almost always touching her. They totally take turns as who is touching Laura. Last night was hard in that Laura gasped, snored and didn't breath at all for 30 seconds or more. I didn't sleep much. But today, all afternoon she was awake and mumbling and even responding. When Ani and I were changing her, she kept saying stop. Or when the dogs barked she said no. I sat down next to her and said hi this is Jon and she said I know. hi.  As we have kinda thought, her hospice nurse said she thinks Laura will go before the week is up. She continues to be pretty restful, peaceful and surrounded by love and especially little yaaaaaaaaappy doggie love

The Chair behind Mia is called the special seat cause Laura's right hand is always out of the covers and up wanting to be held.  Mia finally go the special seat. She has been trying to get there before the next human sits down.

As Im writing this, Laura, just said, I don't like this.  There has been a lot of stuff like that.  Today she even said I hurt all over. We increased the morphine after that comment.  Love you all out there- be it next door, a state away, an ocean away or on the east coast. be good to yourself and your loved ones.

Just hanging in the bedroom

Laura is taking much more today. She has tried to get up a couple times but everything hurts too much when she does sit up she has to lay back

peaceful

Laura is peaceful today. She is continuing the cycle where she is awake for most of the morning and then is resting and sleeping.  And by awake, I mean her eyes open and close a lot- she sometimes makes eye contact and see you but she has far away eyes. She said hi bub to Ani earlier which was cute. She mutters and even hummed to you are my sunshine. But she has not sat up at all today. She hasn't eaten since Friday morning or Saturday morning when she had pancakes or bites of one pancake. The days are blending together... She gets water through a sponge. We are basically just hanging in bed and in the wheel chairs around the bed with Laura. The door is open and its a sunny windy day so a strong warm breeze is blowing through the room.

slowing down

Laura's breathing has really slowed down and become very irregular. She is basically shutting down.  She is peaceful...